Dress Code Dilemma

The news is swarming with the story of a BYU student who received an anonymous note from a guy telling her she was not in compliance with the Honor Code and she posted about it on her Twitter account, causing a media frenzy. We live in a very public world. If something bothers us, we don't hand our friends a note when we pass them in the hall (heck, we aren't in the stage of life where we even have halls any more), we share it through social media. I don't think the girl's objective was to make this into a big deal, and I'm sure she's surprised it's come this far. She was appalled at what he did and decided to share.

Here's what the note said:

You may want to consider that what you're wearing has a negative effect on men (and women) around you. Many people come to this university because they feel safe, morally as well as physically, here. They expect others to abide by the Honor Code that we all agreed upon. Please consider your commitment to the Honor Code (which you agreed to) when dressing each day. Thank you.

Does this note make BYU look bad? Does it make the LDS religion look bad? No. What it does do, however, is start a conversation about how ridiculous people can be, and it does say a lot for how guys feel they can treat girls. He never would have called out a guy for not shaving. This isn't the first time a guy has treated a girl this way and it isn't the last.


Sadly, this is just another example of Mormon extremism. I have plenty of horror stories about what BYU students say to one another, and it's not just about the dress code. There have been numerous accounts of deconversion at BYU. This story is just a tiny part of the crap that goes on there.

The guy's actions were sexist and wrong. One woman on Facebook put it nicely: "When a man, especially a stranger, feels it is right to tell a woman, any woman, how to dress appropriately, that is not only sexist, but I would strongly question any institution that gives men so much room to cross that boundary."

Most of the focus should be on how the guy handled himself. Sometimes the way people treat one another in this religion is not right. This story should not get the most attention over whether this girl was in compliance with the dress code or not. I don't think it's about her stupid skirt and her stupid leggings. It's about why that guy felt it was his divine right to point out to a girl her dress standards and essentially tell her she was giving him evil thoughts. What is seriously right about that? Give me a good reason and I'll sit down and shut up.

The BYU student posting what the guy said and the conversation that follows is important. Wemust realize, as this article beautifully put it, "Honor Code dress standards for females and the way those standards are discursively rationalized (as protecting virtuous men’s minds from pornographic female forms) and enforced (students encouraged to pressure other students into obeying) actually creates an unsafe environment—an environment in which behavior that in virtually any other setting would constitute sexual harassment is not only excused but implicitly encouraged."

We sign a "contract" to be "perfect" but heaven forbid we mess up, even just a little bit. The Honor Code is dangerous and causes individuals to delay repentance rather than risk being kicked out of school. I find nothing wonderful or perfect in that design at all. I just can't allow myself to follow the rules of "if someone is doing something just a little bit wrong, you should stand up and say something." Trying so hard to be perfect and making others perfect is dangerous. And I can't, with all the fiber of my being, be a woman who lets people walk all over her.
I've had guys want to jump my bones when I am fully clothed from head to toe with a long sleeved shirt and jeans. So this code isn't saving anyone, not the young woman from a sex-hungry man, and not the man from having bad thoughts about her.

Manipulation

I haven't written in quite some time. I have a habit of that. A lot of crazy things have happened since I last posted. Gee, August to June is quite a while. One major thing was I found myself in a relationship that without a doubt could have killed me. Emotionally, that is. My body was never beat on. But my mind was.

I met this particular guy in my YSA ward in September. As singles wards go, there aren't a lot of prospects. But this guy seemed sweet, and gave me the type of attention I was looking for. But right off that bat, I realized he was attached to someone else and wouldn't let her go, and I became the "mistress". He wouldn't kiss me because we weren't "exclusive", even though he'd kissed me quite a bit in the beginning. I held on thinking I could change his mind, that eventually he'd end up picking me, but as things progressed it became evident that he wasn't planning on choosing one or the other. He was going to do whatever he wanted.

His mind games became more than I could bear. He asked so many questions and probed and prodded at everything I did it was like being in a nightmare. I was attached to my phone because if I didn't answer he'd yell at me. I couldn't tell him certain things, like if I was eating out or watching TV, for fear of being yelled at and questioned. I stopped Swing dancing, something I was passionate about, because he didn't like the idea of other guys touching me and he'd never let me forget it. I was in a constant state of being nauseous and I just didn't feel like eating around him. Even if he wasn't around I felt just as sick. I ended up losing 20 pounds in the 4 months we dated.

I finally reached my breaking point in February. He did absolutely nothing for Valentine's Day. It wasn't like he chose the other girl to take out that night, he took out a brand new girl instead. I had finally had enough. I was getting absolutely nothing out of what I was giving. I couldn't stand it any longer. When I broke it off with him, things became much worse. He begged and pleaded for me to reconsider, he even shed some tears over it. Good to know I can make such a tough man cry. It's been a rough few months because he can't let go.

I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting soon after I broke it off, the day he was going to be made an Elder. When a member of the bishopric asked us to raise our right hand to sustain him in this calling, I didn't. It seemed like only seconds afterwards that he was squeezing onto my bench with me. "Why didn't you sustain me? You hate me, don't you? You shouldn't spread rumors. You saw me with someone, didn't you? And I put my arm around a certain someone?" He motioned to a new girl who was giving a talk. "She told me you said some things about me. I know it was you." I told him I hadn't spoken to that girl before, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He just kept doing what he did best, manipulating the situation. I became extremely uncomfortable that I got up to leave. As I did so, he grabbed my wrists and tried to hold me down. I shook him off and ran for the nearest exit, the whole ward watching. I stumbled out the door into a snow bank and was headed for my car when he caught me and tried to hug me. A friend came out to check on me and he assured her everything was okay. I was screaming inside.

After that crazy incident the Bishop called me into his office and I told him what had happened in our relationship, and he really put me at ease. I was finally able to break ties with him but things aren't quite severed on his end of things. When he found out I went on a date with a new guy from the ward, he began harassing him to try to get details on me. Even this last week he started asking me questions when he found out I went on another date. He said, "I thought you were dating someone from another ward." When I answered that I was, he said, "Oh, well I saw you the other night." I said I went out to a movie with a group of friends and just brushed him off, but I could tell he wasn't satisfied with that answer.

It eventually got to the point I decided to lay everything out for him. Here is what I wrote him after he sent me an angry email one night:

Let me say this, me trying to "hide" at church was merely to avoid any arguments like the one that happened in Sacrament a few weeks ago. A lot of people noticed my distress, including the bishop. My friends do not know anything about our relationship other than what they've seen, which is you with other girls. Any conclusions they've made, they've done so entirely on their own. I have not shared any information about our relationship because that is our business, and ours alone. The mistakes we made are shared, as is the burden of carrying them. I am sorry we went through it. It's taken me a while to get over that darkness even though I have moved on, because you know very well I am not very forgiving of myself even when the Lord is. No doubt it sucks that you were dating around. Any girl wants a guy for herself, it's just human nature. I hated those moments at night when I couldn't get a hold of you and I knew it was because you were with someone else. It made me feel horribly lonely, unwanted and unworthy of your company. Yes, you kissed me, but only to a point and then you stopped. I want you to understand, and I can't stress this enough, that the reason this ended is not because of your failure to commit but because you gave me severe insecurities by withholding affection from me but freely taking mine. I don't deserve that kind of treatment. You wouldn't kiss me, but yet you'd let me touch you passionately. That's really twisted, and it did a lot of damage to my psyche and how I felt about myself. I couldn't go through it any longer.

I want you to know I am doing well, I no longer have anxiety and I have returned to full health with my weight. I hope you are getting better. I don't want things to be awkward in social circles like church and FHE. I think we can say hello to one another and not have to dig up the past. If you are kind to me in those situations, I will return the favor.

The email helped, but only a little. It just gave him the go-ahead to try to talk to me again. He tried to be buddy-buddy with me at game night recently. While we were playing with a group of friends, he casually said if he ever had to rush me off to the hospital he'd pull over half way and leave me in a dumpster to rot. And then he laughed.

It is so easy to get sucked into an emotionally abusive relationship. If you ever find yourself stuck in one, or wonder if yours is bordering on abusive, here is a checklist you should go by. The points you want to look for are in bold, the others you need to avoid.

• Abusive or Healthy
• Competition or Partnership and Faith
• Control and Power Struggles or Intimacy and Sharing Joy
• Contempt or Validation
• Manipulation or Mutual Cooperation
• Inequality and Disrespect or Equality and Respect
• Intimidation and Hostility or Trust and Goodwill

The best way to fight an emotional abuser is to stay silent. He will try to use your words against you. He will try to make everything you say sound crazy. He will try to hug it out.

His hugs mean nothing when his words mean everything.

To Every Thing There is a Season

Life usually comes full circle. Things don't just happen once or twice in a lifetime, but rather multiple times in one's life. To think that life can be measured out on one lengthy timeline seems somewhat ridiculous. What if my timeline looks more like a squiggly, or a curly-q, or a set of circles? Whoever decided that life is supposed to go in one particular direction? Life just isn't that simple.

I have noticed something happening with young adults of the LDS faith and it happens all too often and all too soon. Why do Mormons discourage themselves by placing life on a strict timeframe of things they feel they should be doing? Too often I've heard things like, "I'm in my 20s. I should get married. I should have my career going." Instead of thinking that it should happen, why not start thinking that it could, and that it will. 

Sometimes it is so easy to compare what we don't have with what others have. We think someone else has been given more blessings because they've found love, started a family, and landed a dream job all at an early age. We may think ourselves less fortunate when we haven't accomplished the same thing. 

One thing I have come to realize is this: it isn't that they are more blessed than I am. They are simply in a different season of their life, one I haven't seen yet but soon will, even if that means it isn't happening tomorrow. 

I am going to stop stressing. Those of you who are experiencing the same thing, stop stressing. Remember this simple scripture: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." We experience the seasons of life in different ways. It doesn't mean the leaves will never fall or the flowers will never grow. It just means it may happen at a time we never expected.

Facebook Friend

Facebook always asks me the same thing. "What's on your mind?"

Some people answer that they are baking bread, taking care of their baby, waiting for their college loan to come through, dealing with scary relationships or starting a new diet.

My response to Facebook's annoying question is, "Why do I care?"

When I was in junior high, besides blabbing on the phone--not a cellphone, I might add; it was hooked to the wall in my basement--the only thing I was concerned with was getting my own email address. I recall a time when my bandmates and I took turns writing our email addresses on the whiteboard after class for everyone to see. The number of friends on my MSN Messenger contact list skyrocketed. It was a big deal. I could chat with friends in one chat window and get the entire conversation over with quickly. None of this back-and-forth status updating, wall posting, photo commenting garbage. The only photo I had to worry about in junior high was my yearbook photo. And I never expected it to be any good anyway.

I've had relationships start and end over Facebook. One time the only way I knew I was officially in a relationship with this one guy was when he sent me a relationship request. It was also the only time I knew we were officially out of one when he posted he was newly single.

The worst turn of events came about when I took one girl's constant lovey-dovey status updates, wall posts, and photo comments as advances on my guy interest, who just happened to be a missionary where she lived. I had been writing to him faithfully for a year but once I mentioned what I was seeing over Facebook, everything came to a complete halt. We've barely written since.

The good thing about Facebook is that you get to keep a close eye on people. But how much do you really want, or need, to know? Why do we need all-access to other people's lives? Wasn't life so much better before?

I feel like Facebook is there to constantly remind us of the days when we worried about who got the most pages in the yearbook, who was listed as Best Couple in the Best Of section, and who was so dang awesome that you should either bow down to them every waking moment or stay out of their way. And now they are on your "friends" list. Facebook just fuels this idea of "the popular kids" and makes us question who we are and whether or not we are truly good enough.

I have been struggling with whether or not I should erase my Facebook account for quite some time now. When I updated my status that I was going to quit Facebook for good, I had one friend respond. I had my answer.

Facebook has never been a good friend to me. I've been there for Facebook many times, keeping my photo pretty and my status shiny. But when has Facebook ever been there for me?

Spending the 4th in New York

Museum of Natural History, stroll in Central Park, fireworks off the Hudson, The Killers playing at the White House... what a great Independence Day.

Summer...

Shorts, sunblock, cool cherry limeade, epic water fights in Porter Park and little tan lines on my feet. Welcome, Summer. You belong here.

Warm River, no-bake (mud ball) cookies, dog kisses, football on the lawn, mosquito bites. Yep. Good day.

Caught Up in the Crossfire

In honor of the great Brandon Flowers' 29th birthday on June 21, I bought his first single "Crossfire" from his upcoming solo album Flamingo. Call it his gift to us. I only had to hear the first couple of notes iTunes provided me and I was instantly hooked. A chill ran through my veins and I knew: This is going to be something special. Of course it would be. Flowers is a lyrical and musical genius, and there are scores of people out there who would easily agree with me.

The song is classic Flowers and it is reminiscent of The Killers, but this is entirely his own. There have been many that were worried once Flowers went solo, he would be nothing without his bandmates to back him up. How could they ever have doubted him?

I am not that good at describing the emotions that come from hearing the song. There are people out there who are able to say what I cannot, and have it fit exactly how I feel. I love what arjanwrites.com said about the new single:

The song is a signature Flowers tune with a grand, arena-sized soundscape and lyrics of a near biblical proportion about heaven, hell and the temptation in between. Flowers doesn't tell simple stories, he creates entire full-scale epics that fit a desert.

We won't know the full extent of the album until it's release date on September 10, 2010 but I know without a doubt that it will be nothing short of spectacular. Here is a great sneak-peak about the album from vertigo.fm:

Despite all its storied pitfalls, louche reputation and lascivious tourism campaigns, Brandon Flowers remains stubbornly proud of his hometown. The Las Vegas born-and-bred vocalist—whose working hours are usually spent with his band The Killers—makes that clear when discussing his first solo album, Flamingo, which takes its name from a Sin City downtown street on which Sam's Town is located, and where Flowers used to buy his records. "I grew up there, so it's close to my heart," the 29-year-old says. "I feel a responsibility to represent where I'm from, to defend it. It's a place that a lot of people loathe. I can't help but love it. I grew up with a lot of people who couldn't wait to leave, and that was always strange to me. I feel a real connection to it. It's in my blood."

Inextricably tied to Vegas in both showmanship and ideology, Flamingo is a bombastic 10-track collection of stadium-ready songs that runs the gamut from expert pop executions and forlorn electro dirges to gospel tunes and even blues-tinged rock (read: pedal steel, and plenty of it). "Jilted Lovers and Broken Hearts," an upbeat arena rocker with the heartbeat of a dance floor classic, employs gambling as an epic metaphor: "I followed you through the darkness/ I followed you through the cold/ woman, I can tell you one thing/ you're going to wish you could go back and fold." Meanwhile "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" doesn't make Las Vegas sound very fabulous at all. Indeed, there’s also denial, perfidy, absolution, spirituality and the limits of faith—each of which is explored in the album's other 10 tracks. Flowers transforms intellectual concepts into adrenaline overdrive on "Crossfire"; channels Roy Orbison's luminous falsetto to unnerving effect in "Playing With Fire"; and looks for second chances on "Only the Young," in which he offers the following haunting prayer: "Redemption, keep my covers clean tonight."

Flowers wrote the songs on Flamingo over the year and a half he spent touring for Day and Age, the Killers' third, critically acclaimed studio album. (He says the song that served as a catalyst for Flamingo is called "O, Sad American Night," which was recorded during sessions for Day and Age but didn't make the cut for that album, and won't be released on this record, either.) Originally, he'd meant them as material for the band, but circumstances—like being on the road for six years—intervened. "I would prefer if this was a Killers record, although it would obviously be very different if I'd made it with the band," he says. "We're just at different places in our lives right now. It's no secret that they're ready to put the brakes on for a second. It's definitely not the end of the Killers, but you can't blame them—we've been going nonstop since 2003.” The upside to recording the album alone was that without the other members of the Killers, Flowers could call the shots himself; the downside, as he explains, is that he feels "a little bit naked."

He hedged his bets, enlisting production help from a series of renowned talents: Daniel Lanois, Brendan O'Brien and Stuart Price. (Flowers worked with Price before on Day and Age). He also invited Rilo Kiley frontwoman Jenny Lewis, whom he calls "a daughter of Vegas," to guest on the song "Hard Enough." Together they made an album Flowers says he's proud of, one that stretches his musical horizons. And with plans for a fall tour of small venues are already in the works, Flowers isn't about to rest on his laurels. He enjoys performing, and even if he's worried about taking time off, he explains that he's now seasoned enough as a vocalist to understand that one of his biggest issues is an anxiety of influence.

"I looked up to so many people who had danced and rocked and made history on those stages," he says. "It was unbelievable tome that I was going on some of these same stages and that I was following in their footsteps. It took me a long time to get used to that. It's not that I think that I'm as good as everybody else. It's more that now I can let myself believe that it's possible, and that I can give myself a shot."

Go to brandonflowersmusic.com to listen to "Crossfire".