I hate it because I don't like how boys behave and I don't like how they make me behave. I get so silly and distracted to the point that I feel like I am not even me anymore. But I got it in my head Thursday that I owed it to myself to go out and have a good time. I wish I didn't.
There was nothing wrong with me going into town to a hip-hop dance by myself. It felt good to be on my own and meet new people. After all, it had been so long since I did something for myself. I can't deny myself living. But there was something wrong with leaving with someone I barely knew and letting him take advantage of my vulnerable state. There was something wrong with me not saying no.
Don't get me wrong, all I am talking about is kissing. But at this point in my life even that is a big deal, something I feel that shouldn't be done until it's someone you care about.
Not some stranger.
There's no denying that there is something really special about knowing someone before you kiss them. When the moment comes you can expect fireworks and you'll most likely feel it, since it is something you have built up in your mind, have anticipated and dreamt about for a while. The time you've spent learning about that person has led up to that moment and what results is magic. The problem with kissing someone you don't know is that the mystery of the person is totally obliterated. There won't be any fireworks because there's no fuse to light.
I am frustrated with myself because I was holding out for someone and I blew it. I had been holding out for nearly 16 months. I had been holding out even when I knew this person no longer wanted me to. It's because this person embodies everything I want in a guy, a type I will always look for. I know it has to exist in other guys. I don't think it's possible that only one guy would be bestowed with all these wonderful qualities while the rest of them get gypped. I don't believe the universe could be that cruel to men. There has to be someone else who holds all of the same qualities as he did. I have to believe that there is.
I know what I want in a guy but I never quite get there because the wrong type of guy always tends to get in the way, even when over and over I have convinced myself I don't want them to. It's like I see this wonderful man standing on the steep banks of a muddy river but I'm on the other side. I know he is everything I want and everything I deserve but when I try to get to him I am sucked under by water I told myself I would never wade into. I could have taken the safe route across by bridge but was too lazy or didn't have the mere courage, confidence, or self-respect to do it. I go into the deep end and can no longer see the river bank and who was once standing there. There's no one there to help me, not even myself, when I am held under the water.
So I drown.
Every time.
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