Pause

I paused today to sit in a patch of catnip, hang out on the Climbing Tree, trudge through Muldune Mud and explore the south side of the river bottoms where I haven't been since I was a kid. It was perfect.

The River of Kiss and Tell

Until this past Thursday, it was nearly 16 months since I went out with a guy. After that night I was reminded why: I actually hate it.

I hate it because I don't like how boys behave and I don't like how they make me behave. I get so silly and distracted to the point that I feel like I am not even me anymore. But I got it in my head Thursday that I owed it to myself to go out and have a good time. I wish I didn't.

There was nothing wrong with me going into town to a hip-hop dance by myself. It felt good to be on my own and meet new people. After all, it had been so long since I did something for myself. I can't deny myself living. But there was something wrong with leaving with someone I barely knew and letting him take advantage of my vulnerable state. There was something wrong with me not saying no.

Don't get me wrong, all I am talking about is kissing. But at this point in my life even that is a big deal, something I feel that shouldn't be done until it's someone you care about.

Not some stranger.

There's no denying that there is something really special about knowing someone before you kiss them. When the moment comes you can expect fireworks and you'll most likely feel it, since it is something you have built up in your mind, have anticipated and dreamt about for a while. The time you've spent learning about that person has led up to that moment and what results is magic. The problem with kissing someone you don't know is that the mystery of the person is totally obliterated. There won't be any fireworks because there's no fuse to light.

I am frustrated with myself because I was holding out for someone and I blew it. I had been holding out for nearly 16 months. I had been holding out even when I knew this person no longer wanted me to. It's because this person embodies everything I want in a guy, a type I will always look for. I know it has to exist in other guys. I don't think it's possible that only one guy would be bestowed with all these wonderful qualities while the rest of them get gypped. I don't believe the universe could be that cruel to men. There has to be someone else who holds all of the same qualities as he did. I have to believe that there is.

I know what I want in a guy but I never quite get there because the wrong type of guy always tends to get in the way, even when over and over I have convinced myself I don't want them to. It's like I see this wonderful man standing on the steep banks of a muddy river but I'm on the other side. I know he is everything I want and everything I deserve but when I try to get to him I am sucked under by water I told myself I would never wade into. I could have taken the safe route across by bridge but was too lazy or didn't have the mere courage, confidence, or self-respect to do it. I go into the deep end and can no longer see the river bank and who was once standing there. There's no one there to help me, not even myself, when I am held under the water.

So I drown.

Every time.

Life is Beautiful

After some spring yard work, I felt prompted to I relive some of my glory days. So I ducked under some deadly nightshade vines, dodged a few thorn bushes, hopped over fallen willow branches, balanced on a few logs, climbed a cottonwood, sat on a stump, watched a blue heron wade and a muskrat race through the water, felt the onset of spring, closed my eyes and just listened... I came back with some minor scratches, a false owl pellet, and a greater appreciation for how wonderful my life is here on the Henry's Fork of the Snake River.

Life is beautiful.

Princess Days

If you watched the Academy Awards on March 7th, you may have noticed two Disney films nominated for Best Animated Feature: the digitally animated Up, and the classic hand-drawn animated The Princess and the Frog. Although Up rose to the top that night, The Princess and the Frog was well deserving of its nomination.

Some adults will argue that Disney lost some of its spark when it went digital. Some kids won't understand what the argument is about. But one thing is certain: for many years Disney had lost the magic of the Disney princess. Before The Princess and the Frog, the last animated film Disney produced with a fairy-tale setting was Beauty and the Beast in 1991. That's eighteen years without a new princess ruling the Magic Kingdom before The Princess and the Frog hit theaters in December 2009.

Some people were certain the days of the Walt Disney princess were over, but The Princess and the Frog brings back the longed-for and greatly-missed Disney princess like the ones we knew when we were kids; the kind of heroine that's been missing since classic Disney animation retired.