Dress Code Dilemma

The news is swarming with the story of a BYU student who received an anonymous note from a guy telling her she was not in compliance with the Honor Code and she posted about it on her Twitter account, causing a media frenzy. We live in a very public world. If something bothers us, we don't hand our friends a note when we pass them in the hall (heck, we aren't in the stage of life where we even have halls any more), we share it through social media. I don't think the girl's objective was to make this into a big deal, and I'm sure she's surprised it's come this far. She was appalled at what he did and decided to share.

Here's what the note said:

You may want to consider that what you're wearing has a negative effect on men (and women) around you. Many people come to this university because they feel safe, morally as well as physically, here. They expect others to abide by the Honor Code that we all agreed upon. Please consider your commitment to the Honor Code (which you agreed to) when dressing each day. Thank you.

Does this note make BYU look bad? Does it make the LDS religion look bad? No. What it does do, however, is start a conversation about how ridiculous people can be, and it does say a lot for how guys feel they can treat girls. He never would have called out a guy for not shaving. This isn't the first time a guy has treated a girl this way and it isn't the last.


Sadly, this is just another example of Mormon extremism. I have plenty of horror stories about what BYU students say to one another, and it's not just about the dress code. There have been numerous accounts of deconversion at BYU. This story is just a tiny part of the crap that goes on there.

The guy's actions were sexist and wrong. One woman on Facebook put it nicely: "When a man, especially a stranger, feels it is right to tell a woman, any woman, how to dress appropriately, that is not only sexist, but I would strongly question any institution that gives men so much room to cross that boundary."

Most of the focus should be on how the guy handled himself. Sometimes the way people treat one another in this religion is not right. This story should not get the most attention over whether this girl was in compliance with the dress code or not. I don't think it's about her stupid skirt and her stupid leggings. It's about why that guy felt it was his divine right to point out to a girl her dress standards and essentially tell her she was giving him evil thoughts. What is seriously right about that? Give me a good reason and I'll sit down and shut up.

The BYU student posting what the guy said and the conversation that follows is important. Wemust realize, as this article beautifully put it, "Honor Code dress standards for females and the way those standards are discursively rationalized (as protecting virtuous men’s minds from pornographic female forms) and enforced (students encouraged to pressure other students into obeying) actually creates an unsafe environment—an environment in which behavior that in virtually any other setting would constitute sexual harassment is not only excused but implicitly encouraged."

We sign a "contract" to be "perfect" but heaven forbid we mess up, even just a little bit. The Honor Code is dangerous and causes individuals to delay repentance rather than risk being kicked out of school. I find nothing wonderful or perfect in that design at all. I just can't allow myself to follow the rules of "if someone is doing something just a little bit wrong, you should stand up and say something." Trying so hard to be perfect and making others perfect is dangerous. And I can't, with all the fiber of my being, be a woman who lets people walk all over her.
I've had guys want to jump my bones when I am fully clothed from head to toe with a long sleeved shirt and jeans. So this code isn't saving anyone, not the young woman from a sex-hungry man, and not the man from having bad thoughts about her.