When I was a freshman in high school, our drama department put on a production in November 2001 of Thornton Wilder's Our Town. I was cast as the "Artistic Lady in the Box." This meant that I sat in the audience in full costume and delivered two lines. Now, I admit these were two measly little lines, but I looked absolutely fantastic in my 1800s attire. I laugh when I think about the poor soul who had to sit behind me in the audience during that scene, considering that my hat was bigger than the state of Michigan. It was fun to startle people when it came time to say my line, popping up from the audience in character and having all eyes on me.
After Our Town, I did some chorus work for A Salute to Rogers and Hammerstein, helped as an Assistant Director for Much Ado About Nothing and worked with sound design for the production of Cinderella. I wanted so badly to be on-stage, even if it was another tiny part like the Lady. I tried out numerous times, but was always offered a technical position. To me, that wasn’t as good. I never got another chance to have another line in another play.
Cody was my best friend in high school. We always joked that we were "soul mates" that would never be together as a couple, and that was true. We would tell each other everything, walk through fire for one another, but we'd never take the plunge and be together in that particular way.
Back then, I was happy and carefree; I was a jokester and a fun person to be around. When bad things happened, I got over them. Lately I have worried that the person I was around my best friend was the real me and that nowadays I have a serious problem: I am the Artistic Lady in the Box. I am playing a role.
I wonder what the secret was to being myself with Cody. I could be corny and crazy, say whatever I wanted without worry, lean on his shoulder for support, fight with him and cry with him. There was hardly ever a moment of silence with him and when there was, we were completely comfortable and content. I haven’t found that since, and I am worried as to why. Is the role I am playing now so much a part of me that I will never break away from it?
I find myself in relationships with guys who need saving, and I never do save them. I need just as much saving in the end. When I knew the best of Cody, he didn’t need saving. There was nothing to worry about and no secrets that needed to be kept. We were best friends, as simple as that. We were young and happy and nothing bad had come over either of us yet. Life hadn’t grabbed hold of us, reality hadn’t sunk in completely and darkness hadn’t tapped us on the shoulder. There was no pain of regret present in our relationship. I didn’t ever have to question whether I was the Artistic Lady in the Box or not. Cody was the type of person that just brought out my true character, no label necessary.
I am so tired of trying to be someone I am not. I long for the day when I will meet someone who can be my best friend. I want to break out of this box in which I am so frustratingly bound. Maybe I won’t have to wait for long, because I know it is within my power to make a much-needed change.
I am the Artistic Lady in the Box. And I am breaking out.
1 comment:
I've just spent a good quiet time while the kids are napping to read all the posts on your blog! You are a really talented writer, so I couldn't stop at just one. Wow! Your family must really have the creative genes! As far as the "guys" topic goes-I can't say I disagree much with you about the RMs except that there are few out there who are different. Just know when you do find one don't let him go! My parents got a lot of grief for letting me get married so young, but they always told people they knew there wouldn't ever be another guy like Kevin out there (so I didn't let him go! :)
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