I met this particular guy in my YSA ward in September. As singles wards go, there aren't a lot of prospects. But this guy seemed sweet, and gave me the type of attention I was looking for. But right off that bat, I realized he was attached to someone else and wouldn't let her go, and I became the "mistress". He wouldn't kiss me because we weren't "exclusive", even though he'd kissed me quite a bit in the beginning. I held on thinking I could change his mind, that eventually he'd end up picking me, but as things progressed it became evident that he wasn't planning on choosing one or the other. He was going to do whatever he wanted.
His mind games became more than I could bear. He asked so many questions and probed and prodded at everything I did it was like being in a nightmare. I was attached to my phone because if I didn't answer he'd yell at me. I couldn't tell him certain things, like if I was eating out or watching TV, for fear of being yelled at and questioned. I stopped Swing dancing, something I was passionate about, because he didn't like the idea of other guys touching me and he'd never let me forget it. I was in a constant state of being nauseous and I just didn't feel like eating around him. Even if he wasn't around I felt just as sick. I ended up losing 20 pounds in the 4 months we dated.
I finally reached my breaking point in February. He did absolutely nothing for Valentine's Day. It wasn't like he chose the other girl to take out that night, he took out a brand new girl instead. I had finally had enough. I was getting absolutely nothing out of what I was giving. I couldn't stand it any longer. When I broke it off with him, things became much worse. He begged and pleaded for me to reconsider, he even shed some tears over it. Good to know I can make such a tough man cry. It's been a rough few months because he can't let go.
I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting soon after I broke it off, the day he was going to be made an Elder. When a member of the bishopric asked us to raise our right hand to sustain him in this calling, I didn't. It seemed like only seconds afterwards that he was squeezing onto my bench with me. "Why didn't you sustain me? You hate me, don't you? You shouldn't spread rumors. You saw me with someone, didn't you? And I put my arm around a certain someone?" He motioned to a new girl who was giving a talk. "She told me you said some things about me. I know it was you." I told him I hadn't spoken to that girl before, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He just kept doing what he did best, manipulating the situation. I became extremely uncomfortable that I got up to leave. As I did so, he grabbed my wrists and tried to hold me down. I shook him off and ran for the nearest exit, the whole ward watching. I stumbled out the door into a snow bank and was headed for my car when he caught me and tried to hug me. A friend came out to check on me and he assured her everything was okay. I was screaming inside.
After that crazy incident the Bishop called me into his office and I told him what had happened in our relationship, and he really put me at ease. I was finally able to break ties with him but things aren't quite severed on his end of things. When he found out I went on a date with a new guy from the ward, he began harassing him to try to get details on me. Even this last week he started asking me questions when he found out I went on another date. He said, "I thought you were dating someone from another ward." When I answered that I was, he said, "Oh, well I saw you the other night." I said I went out to a movie with a group of friends and just brushed him off, but I could tell he wasn't satisfied with that answer.
It eventually got to the point I decided to lay everything out for him. Here is what I wrote him after he sent me an angry email one night:
Let me say this, me trying to "hide" at church was merely to avoid any arguments like the one that happened in Sacrament a few weeks ago. A lot of people noticed my distress, including the bishop. My friends do not know anything about our relationship other than what they've seen, which is you with other girls. Any conclusions they've made, they've done so entirely on their own. I have not shared any information about our relationship because that is our business, and ours alone. The mistakes we made are shared, as is the burden of carrying them. I am sorry we went through it. It's taken me a while to get over that darkness even though I have moved on, because you know very well I am not very forgiving of myself even when the Lord is. No doubt it sucks that you were dating around. Any girl wants a guy for herself, it's just human nature. I hated those moments at night when I couldn't get a hold of you and I knew it was because you were with someone else. It made me feel horribly lonely, unwanted and unworthy of your company. Yes, you kissed me, but only to a point and then you stopped. I want you to understand, and I can't stress this enough, that the reason this ended is not because of your failure to commit but because you gave me severe insecurities by withholding affection from me but freely taking mine. I don't deserve that kind of treatment. You wouldn't kiss me, but yet you'd let me touch you passionately. That's really twisted, and it did a lot of damage to my psyche and how I felt about myself. I couldn't go through it any longer.
I want you to know I am doing well, I no longer have anxiety and I have returned to full health with my weight. I hope you are getting better. I don't want things to be awkward in social circles like church and FHE. I think we can say hello to one another and not have to dig up the past. If you are kind to me in those situations, I will return the favor.
I want you to know I am doing well, I no longer have anxiety and I have returned to full health with my weight. I hope you are getting better. I don't want things to be awkward in social circles like church and FHE. I think we can say hello to one another and not have to dig up the past. If you are kind to me in those situations, I will return the favor.
The email helped, but only a little. It just gave him the go-ahead to try to talk to me again. He tried to be buddy-buddy with me at game night recently. While we were playing with a group of friends, he casually said if he ever had to rush me off to the hospital he'd pull over half way and leave me in a dumpster to rot. And then he laughed.
It is so easy to get sucked into an emotionally abusive relationship. If you ever find yourself stuck in one, or wonder if yours is bordering on abusive, here is a checklist you should go by. The points you want to look for are in bold, the others you need to avoid.
- Abusive or Healthy
- Competition or Partnership and Faith
- Control and Power Struggles or Intimacy and Sharing Joy
- Contempt or Validation
- Manipulation or Mutual Cooperation
- Inequality and Disrespect or Equality and Respect
- Intimidation and Hostility or Trust and Goodwill
The best way to fight an emotional abuser is to stay silent. He will try to use your words against you. He will try to make everything you say sound crazy. He will try to hug it out.
His hugs mean nothing when his words mean everything.
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