Amazing Things Can Happen

A couple of days ago, on March 25, 2009, I had a dream about one of my friends from school, Trista. We went to school together since kindergarten and graduated from high school in 2005. I haven't seen her since then and haven't been able to talk to her much since she moved to Twin Falls with her husband. 

In my dream, Trista was going to have a baby girl. Trista's belly was big and I remember her telling me it was going to be a girl. I was so excited for her and very excited to see her.

When I awoke from the dream, I had a very strong impression, stronger than I have had in a long time. It felt a lot like what happened a few years ago with Septimus. I said to myself, "I wonder if Trista is going to have a baby." It stuck with me the entire day, and I found myself thinking it often. "I wonder if Trista is going to have a baby. I think she is." It was just the strangest feeling. It's somewhat indescribable. 

Today, something amazing happened. I received a letter in the mail. When I opened it up, it was an invitation to a baby shower for Trista. She was having a baby girl. 

The postmark on the envelope was dated March 25, 2009. 

~ April 5, 2009 ~

Yesterday I attended Trista's baby shower. As a gift, I picked out a baby afghan my mom had made, and I asked her to crochet a baby animal for Trista's baby. I went through some of her crochet books and picked out an adorable hippo. I thought, "That looks like something Trista would like."

At Trista's shower, I learned that she loved hippos and had been having a hard time finding little hippos for her baby. I had no idea she wanted a hippo. 

Just another amazing thing. 

Rest in Peace, My Sweet Friend

Today I had to say goodbye to my fascinating pet, Charlie. He was a Black Moor goldfish and was absolutely beautiful. He was large with a long fantail and was dusted in gold and orange. Named after one of my favorite characters in cinema, Uncle Charlie from Alfred Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt, my Charlie was also one of the greatest characters. I loved him very much. And as I wrote about previously in the entry Mighty Companions, yesterday I had to say a prayer for this wonderful pet to die. 

I had been saying the exact opposite type of prayer for a week after Charlie developed Ich. I'll tell you right now, I feel this disease is a death sentence. The treatments for it always tell you that it won't cure the fish. It cures the Ich that is present in the water. I feel that the disease had too much of a hold on Charlie that curing the water wasn't what he needed. He needed much more. 

But the prayers for help weren't working. Charlie was getting worse. He wasn't eating or swimming, and his breathing was getting quite rapid. He looked terrible and there was nothing I could do to help him. I felt so awful that I couldn't help.

Yesterday morning, after I awoke from a dream about Charlie, I went to his tank and said a different kind of prayer. I asked that he be taken from me so that he would no longer have to suffer. Yes, I prayed that my pet would die.

It sounds so awful to admit that, and this is the second time I've had to do it. But what else could I do? Charlie was dying, he was suffering. Nothing could help him but the grace of God. I realized that my prayers for him to stay were selfish and were only prolonging his suffering. He needed to get better. 

The only way I could help him was to let him go. That was the hardest thing to do, but I know it was right. 

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The Lord God made them all.

Goodnight, my sweet Charlie.

Where Do I Go From Here?

This is a written statement submitted to the University of Idaho; written January 19, 2009.

Driving along the familiar country road that leads to Rexburg, Idaho, I catch a glimpse of the sun breaking above the jagged peaks of the Grand Tetons. The sun hits the vast fields of sparkling snow and the frost-covered cottonwood trees and glistens along the curve of the Snake River. My mind ignites with excitement and the desire to capture every moment. The Snake River Plain where I grew up is only a small, yet important part of what motivates me to capture nature and life through photography and design.

I have been creative all of my life, whether it be taking photographs, studying the cover art of my favorite novels, or looking at the world and imagining all the ways to capture, create, and share what I have discovered there.

At Brigham Young University-Idaho I decided to major in Communication with an emphasis in Advertising so that I could learn ways to bring my passion for design to life. But I cannot give all the credit for my creativity to only myself. My sister, Mattie, is the one who has influenced me the most. She has motivated me through her passion for capturing life on-stage as a playwright. When I take a step back and watch her making her difference in the world, I ask myself what I could do to make mine.

My sister teaches me to push through the boundaries of what seem ordinary life situations to find the boundless creativity that only lay beneath the surface. She shows me that nothing in this life is what it seems because beauty is all around me. It is up to me to make the choice to discover that beauty and capture it in my mind and my heart and bring it to life so that others may feel it. She reminds me that something created simply or even by accident has the potential to become a work of art. Where a plant in the beginning of its life is miraculous, the skeletal frame left in winter is just as captivating.

I love to photograph nature. It is something that can be personal and intimate. I am close with whatever project I am working on. I know I am capturing a moment that may never be captured again, like an iceberg in its final moments. Someone else may see the same object, but do they see what I see? Do they feel what I feel?

I aspire to incorporate my designs in the film and theatre industry. A few of my personal projects include posters for my sister’s future theatrical productions. Nearly all of my life I have been influenced by plays and movies and I am at the theatre often. Sometimes what grabs my attention the most is not simply the play or the movie but the advertising just outside the theatre’s doors. I usually find myself standing in front of a large theatrical poster in awe, pondering how the artist was able to capture the entire mood for a film; they have one chance to tell someone a story at first sight.

It is those moments—studying a theatrical poster or the design on the cover of a book, the way the light comes through a window or casts shadows through the trees—that I feel it could be me behind the camera making it all possible.

During my undergraduate studies at BYU-Idaho I worked extensively in Adobe programs InDesign, Illustrator, and Photoshop. I took courses in visual media, custom images, and photojournalism that included design tutorials and photo excursions. Some projects included a large framed poster and a portfolio website. These courses taught me the most about photography and digital imaging.

An emphasis in Advertising has given me a lot of background in design principles. I am currently the layout artist for a Google campaign as well as a business magazine. I feel that my time at BYU-Idaho was a great place to start and now I want to continue to learn even more about design.

I know that the MFA Art program at the University of Idaho will help me reach my goals and will act as a vessel to guide me to a higher level of creativity and learning. I want to continue to push myself through boundaries and continue to be challenged. I hope I can be changed and influence change in this world. I feel that the University of Idaho has the perfect atmosphere in which I would be able to bring my personality to life through design.

Whatever I do, I will always remember what has inspired me to achieve my dreams and I am forever in debt to those who have helped me get to where I am in my life. The photograph in my mind of the sun breaking over the mountains when I travel that country road will forever inspire me. I look forward with optimism at all the possibilities that lay ahead.

What a Dream Did for Me

A couple of years ago I had a dream about a lost member of my family. In the dream I came across a room and began digging in some old trunks and boxes. Inside them I found an old photograph album, and in it I saw a picture of a young man, in 1800s dress, leaning against a rail on what looked like a ferry. His face wasn’t entirely clear. It struck me in the dream that this person was very important. Also in the album was a letter from this young man, and it was written to me; he knew who I was. All I remember from the letter was the young man’s name and that he was telling me things I needed to do, and I knew that somehow I should know this man. Everything in the dream seemed to be clues about who this man was and where I could find him.

For a while, my search for Septimus Ridehalgh felt like I am chasing a dream, and that maybe he wasn’t connected to my line at all. I asked myself why I had the dream I did. I know it wasn’t telling me to find one person, but all the people I can who are lost in my family.

I was finally able to make the connection. I believe that Septimus and I are cousins from way back and share the same John Ridehalgh as a family member. It was an amazing discovery that I am hope is correct. But I remind myself that even if he isn’t connected in the exact way I believe, I still found someone who needs the promises of the new and everlasting covenant. His family needs them as well. There are at least twenty names or more that I can take to the temple.

It was all because of a dream that turned out to be an important message that gives me the opportunity to focus on someone beside myself. It motivates me to change my life so I can change theirs.

Mighty Companions

Loved ones are not always in the form of a parent, sibling, spouse, son, or daughter. They may not even be human.

As human beings, we were given The Fall. Because of it, we understand the differences of good and evil. Animals, however, do not know when they have done something wrong, but they do feel physical pain. As humans we can recognize when animals are suffering, and I believe these small souls to be an instrument through which the Lord eases human suffering.

My family got a Miniature Schnauzer puppy when I was twelve. We named him Zeke and he became an instant member of the family and my best friend. Before Zeke, we had horrible luck with dogs: they never seemed to be around for long. Zeke was different. He has been a part of our family for nearly ten years now, and he is as adorable as ever. 

A couple of years ago, I remember going outside to Zeke’s doghouse and noticed something was wrong. He was hunched over and he could barely move. He wouldn’t eat his food or drink any water. It tore me apart to see what was happening to him. He was in so much pain. It came across my mind that I might lose him. I was in pain because of his suffering.

My dad decided to give Zeke a blessing. I had never seen an animal blessing before, and it was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. I knew that my Heavenly Father would heal him, and heal my breaking heart. The next day, Zeke tasted his food. We were able to get him some medicine and it was only a matter of time before he was back to his perky self.

I know that when Zeke was given his blessing, he was being watched over. His pain was eased, and mine was as well. God knows me, and He knew how much I was hurting. He eased Zeke’s pain and in turn eased mine. Zeke is an instrument through which my pain is eased.

Another small soul that helped me was a goldfish named Tangelo. He was my sister’s fish, and was bright orange, feisty, and had a wonderful personality. One day, Tangelo turned upside-down and stayed that way. He would swim all over the place on his back. At first, we thought it was rather funny, but he soon started to turn black. He looked very sick and he wouldn’t eat.  He just stayed upside-down behind his castle. 

One night, I was watching him. He looked so helpless and sad. He wasn’t feisty anymore and his wonderful personality was fading away. I was hurting because I could see that he was suffering.  I have heard that goldfish have only three-second memories. Whether this is true or not, I do not know, but I knew Tangelo was in pain. I said a prayer, asking for help. I said, “If he is suffering, please take him. If you need to take him, I will let you. It is in your hands now.”

The next morning, I awoke and knew his pain was over. Tangelo died during the night. It was hard to admit to myself that I prayed for my pet to die. I learned that my sister, in Provo at the time, had done the same. Through Tangelo’s pain and his death, I learned about my Savior's love. 

These small souls, and so many others that have come into my life, are a means by which my pain is eased.  They are great blessings and gifts from the Lord. They have such beautiful spirits: for anyone who doesn’t know of the marvelous spirits of animals, I feel sorry for their loss.  Animals are a wonderful and miraculous gift, and I know that these small souls are here for a reason.

Now is a the time to reflect on the special people and special animals that have been such an important part of my life and have changed my life for good. I know I will deal with many losses as I near the end of my own life. I hope I do not allow grief to consume me or forget to thank my Heavenly Father that I have been given the opportunity to know His kind sons and daughters and His beautiful creatures that have blessed my life and comforted me in times of darkness and pain.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is a fascinating character study starring Brad Pitt as Jesse James and Casey Affleck as Robert Ford. Based on the novel by Ron Hansen, the film brings to light the real Jesse James and the young men who lived in his shadow, fearful of his unpredictability.

The narrator in the film is unseen. He reveals Robert Ford’s thoughts and intentions, and it is extremely effective throughout the entire film. It helps us see inside Bob’s character; the part that a book can tell you, but a movie cannot.

Robert Ford is a 20-year-old who looks up to Jesse James with no question of who he really is. Bob is not like the other men. He’s small, pale, wears a button-up shirt and vest, and keeps his face shaved and his dark hair combed nicely to the side. His youth makes it easy for the others to take advantage of him and laugh behind his back at his obsession with the outlaw Jesse James.

Bob keeps a box full of Jesse James memorabilia, including pictures and dime store novels all about the James gang. Bob’s brother, Charlie, and Jesse’s cousin, Wood, find Bob’s stash and mock his admiration for Jesse by grabbing his items and scattering them around the room. The acting by Casey Affleck in this scene is heart wrenching. He portrays the character’s naivety exceptionally and beautifully. His childish voice breaks with embarrassment. At this point in the film, you can begin to realize that Bob’s admiration for Jesse may never be reciprocated.

When Jesse James doesn’t like someone, he can easily get rid of him. When Jesse James wants something, he can easily get it. He’s a dangerous man who has no true friends, and those who call themselves his friend only do so out of fear.

When Jesse takes down a 14-year-old boy and tries to smother him to get him to talk, you know he’s on the edge of a breakdown. When gang member Dick Liddle has to get him to stop, Jesse leans into his horse and sobs for a few moments. This is the only time in the film when you see this kind of emotion with Jesse.

The film takes a suspenseful turn when Bob kills Jesse’s cousin, Wood, after he and Dick get into a gunfight. Wood has Dick backed into a corner, and when Dick pulls his trigger and finds nothing, Wood prepares to take one last shot at Dick. From behind, Bob pulls out his gun and kills Wood.

Brothers Charlie and Bob fear that Jesse James will suspect them of the murder. They know it’s only a matter of time before Jesse kills them both and they are sick with worry about when it will happen. They decide to take care of Jesse before he takes care of them.

Robert Ford’s decision to kill Jesse James came out of fear for his life and for that of his brother’s, but it also had a lot to do with jealousy. As he reveals, “I've been a nobody all my life. I was the baby; I was the one they made promises to that they never kept. And ever since I can recall it, Jesse James has been as big as a tree.”

In the end, Bob regrets his decision to kill Jesse James. He misses the outlaw as much as anyone and opens up about repercussions of his decision: “You know what I expected? Applause. They didn’t applaud.”

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford was nominated for two Academy Awards in 2008: one for Best Achievement in Cinematography for Roger Deakins and Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role for Casey Affleck.

I love how the film portrayed Jesse James as a cold-blooded, calculated killer. We tend to forget that this is how Jesse James really was. He was a merciless murderer; capable of anything he put his mind to. Brad Pitt's performance is haunting, frightening, and totally unexpected. Even his laugh set me on-edge. Casey Affleck is brilliant; he plays Robert Ford innocent and meek, but in the end has the capability of bringing down the most infamous outlaw. This film brings into question society's fascination with killers; where Jesse James is glorified, the man who brings him to justice is considered a murderer and a villain.

Comfy Chairs and the Voice in My Head Who's Always Right

*Name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

On Fridays I start the day off with Culture and Gender, a psychology course that is quickly becoming one of my favorites. The atmosphere in the room is so relaxed; we sit in comfy reclining chairs and talk about anything we want to. There's no fixed assignments and the topics are entirely up to us. It is one class where I have been able to be myself; a rare find these days. I feel like I can talk about anything and there's always someone there to listen.

After Culture and Gender I have a horrid hour and a half to sit and do basically nothing. I hate downtime between classes. I have to waste time watching YouTube or a DVD on my computer, which isn't really too bad, but I hate lugging my laptop around with me. Today was one of those days, and I decided to head up to the third floor of the library and check email, updates on grad school, and maybe write a blog.

But something happened. The minute I reached the doors of the third floor, a voice told me, "You're going to run into *Simon. Be on guard." With over 11,000 people in this school why on earth would I run into Simon?

Well, what do you know? The minute I walk into those doors and pick out a nice computer spot... BAM. My eyes meet with who other than Simon, right across the way from me. Good grief! Let me tell you why this is the last person on earth I wanted to run into today.

A few weeks ago, Simon invited me over to his apartment. Rather than chillin' with a movie and just enjoying each other's company, Simon wanted to enjoy it in another kind of way that gave him all the pleasure, and me all the grief. For the sake of my sanity--I really could care less what Simon thinks--I am not going to go into all the details. But let's just say I felt totally taken advantage of and to this day I cringe at the thought of it. What I experienced that night was kind of like a waking dream.

The Simon I knew was cheesy, not too good with girls. I mean, last April we dated and all he ever did was hold my hand. He explained he only kissed girls he "really, really liked." I was okay with that; I could be patient. About a week after that we ended it. He told me that he kissed another girl. The funny thing was my gut reaction when he spilled it to me: "Uh... so?" In all honesty, I really wasn't surprised. All evening leading up to that point he was acting like he was out to do some serious dumping damage. So I shrugged it off but was quite disappointed. Afterall, this was our second time around. We'd gone out for about a month the year before that.

Imagine my un-surprise when he got ahold of me in December. Oh, there's Simon again. After two times around and not much success with the whole situation, I was less than enthusiastic about hanging out again. However, I let my mom talk me into it. Her philosophy was that it couldn't hurt.

Well, it didn't hurt the first time we hung out. We talked about his "issues" and how they contributed to why we were on-again, off-again, but I still wasn't quite impressed. There was something different about him: he actually kissed me. Hmm... odd. Sparks... not so much. It was... eh.

The second time we hung out was the last time. I wish I had made the first time the last time, then I wouldn't have this awful memory stuck in my head: Simon went nuts. I am thinking his encounter with an almost-fiance riled him all up and then it was my turn to be the dummy he let out his pent-up sexual frustrations on. Why does this happen to me? Yuck. I should have high-tailed it out of his apartment the minute he started thinking he was Brad Pitt.

From my experience--and sadly, I have had a lot of it--most "RM" boys are a bunch of horndogs. Maybe that is why when I met Kevin, who hadn't yet been on a mission, he was like a breath of fresh air. No interest in making out, just the occasional kiss and constant hand-holding. Oh, how I miss that. Going from dating RMs where all they want is booty, booty, booty to a guy who actually listened to my raves about the latest movie and my awful car-singing, even at times participating in them, was a great and wonderful relief.

That's why when Simon came back into the picture and pulled that awful little stunt of his, I realized how much I miss Kevin and how he is unlike any other guy I have ever known. I have never felt so comfortable around a guy. I was always myself with him. It's a lot like finding that rare class with the comfy chairs. There was always an atmosphere of security and confidence with Kevin. I could tell him anything and I knew he was listening.

Now, I plan to do some listening of my own to the voice in my head who is always right. I'm not going to be stuck in a compromising situation ever again.

But I'm still going to the library.